Monday, January 28, 2008

Lost Gospel of Simon Magnus

Today archeologists revealed a stunning discovery. An alabaster strong box was found containing an ancient document claiming to be the lost Gospel of Simon Magnus

"This scroll forces us to rethink much of the conventional wisdom about the actual words that Jesus spoke," said Abraham Rabin, head of the translation team. "For example, the Beatitudes in Matthew's Gospel are a distortion of Jesus' original message."

Here is the translation of Simon's alternative Beatitudes:

Blessed are the wealthy,
for they can contribute more to God's work.
Blessed are those who are thin and attractive,
for they can draw more people to the Kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who can get their way,
for they can accomplish great things for the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for advancement,
for they will go far.
Blessed are the focused,
for they will get more done.
Blessed are those who know how to stand up for themselves,
for they will not be overlooked.

Another long-misunderstood passage is the parable Jesus tells about separating the sheep and the goats. The updated translation gives a new perspective on the final judgment:

Then the King will say to those on his right, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom that was prepared for you since the beginning of the world. For I was bored and you entertained me, I was unsuccessful and you invited me to a seminar, I was ignorant and you taught me correct doctrine."

Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you bored, unsuccessful or ignorant?"

Then the King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for the masses, you did for me."

The Gospel of Simon Magnus contains a long-lost parable of Jesus:

The kingdom of heaven is like a business that was struggling. The owner worked longer and harder, yet it remained stagnate. But then he applied the seven principles for success, and his business grew faster than that of all his competitors.

"This discovery will transform how churches operate," said Rabin at today's press conference. "No longer will pastors need to pussy-foot around. They can now take off the gloves without apology, knowing that they are following the true teaching of Jesus."

Pastor Rod

"Helping You Become the Person God Created You to Be"


daniel the smith said...

You had me going up to the "thin and attractive" line. :)

Anonymous said...

"Some will say, Lord, Lord and I will say I knew you NOT!" Deception is the work of our enemy and I believe you are deceived. Be aware, if you cause anyone to stumble it is better for you to have a millstone tied around your neck and tossed into the sea than face the wrath of God for such a choice as patronizing false doctrine. May the Holy Spirit convict you now as you read this to get back to truth. Jesus said, " I am the way, the truth and the life, and no one will go to the Father except through me."

Anonymous said...

Simon Magus play as Christ in Gospel of John.
He is Jesus in this Gospel.
Thank GOD for this gospel bevause
Matew is devil work not from GOD.

Sorry for bad english. said...

In case yyou fools would like to know Simon magnus was a perverted christian he is in scripture KJV he was reprimanded by the disciples Acts8:5-24 because he tried to buy the laying on of hands to give out the Holy Spirit ,he only believed because he saw Philip and Simon Peter doing miricles,he was never delivered from the evil spirits that he had been using for sorcery and bewitching (fooling) people!