Monday, February 11, 2008

14 Ways to Increase Your Empathy

Empathy may be the most important skill we possess as humans. Much depends on our ability to connect with others, to identify what they are thinking and feeling.

Some people are better than others at this. Women tend to outshine men in this area.

But whatever your current expertise, here are 14 things you can do to improve your empathy.

  1. Listen more, talk less. The most reliable way to know what other people are thinking and feeling is to listen to them when they are talking. When you are talking, they are not. Just by talking less, you can dramatically improve your empathy.
  2. Stop interrupting. When people are comfortable with each other, they feel safe in interrupting during conversation. However, cutting off the other person gets in the way of empathy. People feel more understood when they are allowed ample space to state their opinion. Conversation is not always about efficiency.
  3. Don't finish sentences. When you think you know what other people are going to say, you are tempted to finish their statements. This is partially prompted by a desire for efficiency and partially by a wish to demonstrate an understanding of the other's thoughts. But this practice actually gets in the way of empathy. It is better for people to tell you what they feel than for you to tell them what they feel. Besides we rarely understand others as well as we think we do.
  4. Don't give advice. Resist the temptation to fix the problems people tell you about. When you give them advice, it has the result of minimizing their feelings. Sometimes, almost all the time, all people want is for someone to listen to their concerns. If they really want advice, there will be plenty of time to unload your great wisdom after they have had ample time to express their emotions.
  5. Ask good questions. Ask short, open-ended questions. Don't interrogate them. Most of your questions will be answered if you will just wait.
  6. Give focused attention. When others are talking, give your full attention. Notice their body language. Make eye contact. Indicate interest with your own body language.
  7. Slow down. Don't be in a hurry. If you really must end the conversation at a specific time, let the other person know in advance. But then give yourself fully to the conversation. Most of the other things you "really need to do" you don't really need to do. Many time pressures are self-imposed.
  8. Acknowledge your own feelings. The better you understand your own feelings, the better you will be able to understand the feelings of others.
  9. Genuinely care about others. If you really care about people, it will show. You cannot fake empathy. If you try to fake it, you will be exposed.
  10. Read good fiction. Well-written stories will help you to identify with people who are different than you are. This will develop you empathy "muscle."
  11. Visit other cultures. We tend to be blind to our home cultures. When we visit other cultures, it helps us to see our own in a different light.
  12. Ask people about their feelings. Sometimes the best approach is the direct one. Ask people what they think and what they feel. You may think you know, but assumptions can be dangerous. Besides, people sometimes figure out what they are feeling when they talk about their emotions.
  13. Care for pets and babies. Very young children and dogs can only communicate with nonverbal signals. To understand what they want, you will need to interpret these signals.
  14. Participate in theater. Drama requires you to imagine that you are someone else. It is excellent practice for empathy.

The bottom line is that if you care about people you will find a way to demonstrate it.

Tell me what you think. What have you found to be effective in developing empathy?

Pastor Rod

"Helping You Become the Person God Created You to Be"

12 comments:

ROD said...

I like it. I'll pass them on, if you don't mind.

Pastor Rod said...

Rod,

Be my guest. I'm glad you found the list helpful.

Rod

Miss Bethany said...

Calling all Christians! Read Rod's post on empathy! (then you're allowed to talk to me) heheh

Thanks for posting this. I hope a lot of people read it!

Pastor Rod said...

Bethany,

We can always use more empathy. It was a good reminder for me, especially the part about finishing other people's sentences.

I think Paul should have added a verse to 1 Corinthians 13, "If you say that you have love but have not empathy, your 'love' is as meaningless as a Valentine's Day gift of stale chocolates bought on clearance on February 15."

Or something like that.

Rod

jeff franczak said...

“Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.”
1 Thess 5:14b-15, The Message

This really resonated with me when I read it this morning. It reminded me about the empathy discussion going on here. (Note: it may not be the most accurate translation what Paul said, yet it’s still full of truth.)

I'm also bad about finishing other people's sentences. Even though I’m aware of my propensity to do this, I still need a good occasional reminder.

Anonymous said...

"Genuinely care about others. If you really care about people, it will show. You cannot fake empathy. If you try to fake it, you will be exposed."

This isn't true. Many people in our society can fake it very well. Mammon rewards those who can persuade others to work 24/7 for very little. A "good" manager will ooze fake empathy and it will be so similar to the real thing that many will be taken in for a long time or even for always.

Cera25 said...

Well where's the tip to help you clear yourself of frustration? lol I know that frustration can block the empathic ability but have yet to find a way to clear my head of frustration. Anyone got any helpful hints on that?

Anonymous said...

Nice post

Ali Sanaei said...

Have you written this for me? ;-)
(No, this is not a spam comment!)
I was looking for some advice on how to improve my empathy for others and out of all, I find your notes more relevant. Thanks.

David said...

"This isn't true. Many people in our society can fake it very well. Mammon rewards those who can persuade others to work 24/7 for very little. A "good" manager will ooze fake empathy and it will be so similar to the real thing that many will be taken in for a long time or even for always."

I agree.

David said...

In our society, "being empathetic" is more about how one behaves behavior, rather than how much one actually cares for others. That's why it can be faked.

Anonymous said...

I have some trouble feeling empathy - but I have faith that WANTING to feel more empathetic will lead 9along with practice) to really feeling it. And a sweeter world will emerge for me and the ones I am close to. Thanks for these ideas.